Life Exhibited

Announcing - www.thelesserman.com

2008-03-10T08:05:00.006-05:00

First, to my regular and new readers, I thank you. I have made some changes to the blog this weekend. Announcing, yay!! Fanfare, trumpets, Moulon Rouge Dancing Girls -

www.thelesserman.com

The Lesser Man is my new front page and kick off point for my blogs. It will have announcements, info and basically be the entrance into my world. I am also splitting my blog into two different parts. Life-exhibited will continue to house all writing up thru today, personal and WLS related. After today, it will house my new personal writings, Family, music, etc. and www.thelesserman.com will take you right to it.

I have also started a specific The Lesser Man blog, in which I have moved all my old WLS writings and from this day forward, will be the soul depository of all writing WLS/GBS related for both myself and SWMBO. So thank you for your loyalty and following. I appreciate each and every one of you.

Good luck with your own journeys - whatever they may be. Be well and Dare to Live!

I am Excited and at the same time Apprehensive.

2008-03-09T12:35:00.003-05:00

I know I should not be apprehensive, as I have gone through this myself. SWMBO is having her surgery in 24 hours. She was approved in 6 days, had her Surgeons appointment last Tuesday and is having Surgery just six short days later. I am not fearful, nothing like that. I have complete faith in my God, complete faith in our Surgeon, but as any loving husband should be, I still think I am a bit worried about the anesthesia and all that goes along with any surgery.

I am however, very excited. SWMBO and I get to really share this journey together. So, again it begins. Four hospital days, healing, and a new life. Buckle up, it is a wild one. I will blog throughout the week. Be Well.

Plateaus - Oh! The Beauty and Granduer.

2008-02-24T15:23:00.006-06:00

I looked up plateau in Wikipedia today. Wiki said Plateau has several meanings:

In geology or earth science, a plateau is an area of relative low relief (i.e., relatively flat) at an important altitude, usually attributed to tectonic uplift or by sediment accumulation. If the uplift was recent, the area may be very flat. If it is highly eroded - a dissected plateau - it may have sharp relief. Also used for submarine areas higher that the normal sea floor depth (oceanic plateau).
In physiology and human sexuality, plateau refers to the second stage (of four) of sexual arousal in the currently accepted Masters and Johnson model.
As a proper name, Plateau usually refers to the Belgian mathematician Joseph Plateau (1801-1883).
*A Thousand Plateaus is a 1980 book by Gilles Deleuze and Félix Guattari, the second part of Capitalism and Schizophrenia
Plateau (song) is a Meat Puppets song popularized by Nirvana.

Often when we read of plateaus, we read of its beauty, its grandeur. The majesty of that "imposing precipice and its surrounding geological glory.
The incredible spires rising to the heights that overwhelm the senses.

John Wesley Powell wrote about the Markagunt Plateau in his Exploration of the Colorado River and its Canyons.

"On the north there is a pair of plateaus, twins in age, but very distinct in development, the Paunsagunt and Markagunt... The stupendous cliffs by which these plateaus are bounded are of indescribable grandeur and beauty... Some of the plateaus carry dead volcanoes on their backs that are towering mountains, and all of them are dissected by canyons that are gorges of profound depth. But every one of these plateaus has characteristics peculiar to itself and is worthy of its own chapter."

Lofty, beautiful and serene. Sounds so nice and wonderful. Let me give you a different definition of plateaus.

A plateau refers to an extended period of time during our weight loss efforts where there is no weight loss according to the scale AND no loss of inches according to the tape measure.

Let me say now and out loud. I hate plateaus. Plateaus Suck.

I have been on a plateau for the past 5 days. Have not lost a pound. Not an ounce. At least I have not gained an ounce. I have not increased my eating. Not increased drinking of any sugar drinks. Doing nothing different, but I am in a stall. Going nowhere real fast. As we used to say in the Navy - "Standing Fast". How really does one stand fast anyway? I never really understood that one. I am on a plateau and I hate it.

www.gastricbypassfamily.com talks about 2 different kinds of plateaus.

There are two types of plateaus that occur. The first plateau is the short plateau, lasting 2 weeks to 4 weeks. The short plateau is the kind that all active "dieters" run into throughout their weight loss efforts. It is not necessary to make adjustments for this type of plateau, because your body is simply re-adjusting to your new weight. Over time (2-4 weeks) you will naturally start losing weight again, as long as you continue your healthy diet and exercise program. Patience is all you need to get past a short plateau.
The second type of plateau is the long-term plateau, which lasts for longer than 4 weeks. If you go for more than 4 weeks without losing weight, AND you are continually following a nutritious diet and exercise program (in short, you are doing everything perfectly), then you need to make some changes. A plateau lasting for longer than 4 weeks is because you are no longer asking your body to go beyond its point of comfort. Let me explain this further: When you first start a new way of eating and a new exercise program, everything is a total shock to your body. All of a sudden you are filling the body with good healthy food full of nutrients, and you are pushing your body so that it responds to physical activity. You burn a high number of calories because it requires a ton of effort just to do simple exercise. Over time, you adjust and become more efficient at exercise, and it no longer requires the same amount of calories that it once did. If you do not change your activity, and continue to eat the same amount of food, you will eventually stop losing weight. The same principle applies to food. If you cut your calories down to 1500 per day, and lost 15 pounds this way, your new weight may use that 1500 calories for maintenance now, rather than weight loss. It's as simple as calories in = calories out.

I spoke with my program coordinator and believe I may even have a different issue going on. SWMBO has been on me lately to eat MORE. (She is real smart by the way) (oh, cute too) More you say. Yes, I said more. I am working out three to four times per week. Burning 300-400 calories per workout. I believe my body thinks I am starving and going into some type of protection. Slowing down my metabolism and protecting me. Roxi (GBS Program Coordinator) wants me to increase my calories to 1100-1200 per day. This is going to be hard and I am struggling to get 800 in me every day right now. But increase I will. 1100-1200 calories per day, here we come(still not cookies, shame on you). Good, healthy lean protein, low carb calories. So I will continue to keep you informed as the pounds continue to shed, post plateau, of course.

By the way, did I mention that although beautiful, plateaus blow chunks!

Current Status - 97 days post-op. 108 pounds lost forever. Down 3 Shirt Sizes. Down 14 inches in my pants, ummm, errr waist. Thanks Toony!.

90 Days Post-Op - I Can Live With That!

2008-02-19T23:24:00.007-06:00

Face Progression - What a difference 4 months makes.

As I ponder the last year and all the exciting changes that I have experienced, I cannot help but wonder what would have happened to me in the future, if I had not taken the drastic step of Gastric Bypass Surgery. Think about it. This is freaking drastic. I have a pouch, the size of a walnut, that will forever be the receiver of the food that gets delivered to my maw. Let me repeat, the size of a walnut. If I had not had this plumbing change, I would still be eating a 16 ounce steak, a large baked potato, don't forget the salad with cheese, maybe add 2 or 3 glasses of red wine, holy crap, where is my dessert - hmmmm - I'll have the Creme Brulee, and please bring an extra spoon.

It was no wonder I needed a tentmaker to make my clothes and I really don't think I could live with that.

That meal would have cost somewhere around $45.00. Now I eat about 1/4 cup of food per sitting. Yesterday my wife and I went to L&L Hawaiian Barbeque. We ordered the small Teriyaki Chicken Meal. It had the chicken, a scoop of rice and a scoop of macaroni salad. $4.81 and we took home leftover chicken and we were both stuffed. Assuming three nights out per week, this life change will save me $120.00 per week, $3,840.00 per year and assuming I am blessed to live another 40 or so years, $152,160.00 over that 40 years.

I can live with that!

Four months ago, I could not walk 1/4 of a mile without extreme pain. It hurt to sit in my chair at work. It hurt to get out of bed. Hell, it hurt to get in bed. I would walk one flight of stairs, and could not talk for 10 minutes, trying to recover my breathing to normal. I had high blood pressure, I had been talking blood pressure medications for 15 years. I had trouble tying my shoes, putting on my socks. I was tired all the time. I had not been to the gym in years. I couldn't golf anymore. I couldn't play softball. I really couldn't even play house! Basically, my life physically, pretty much sucked.

I am sure that I couldn't have lived like that,well, not much longer anyways.

Today the only thing that hurts is my coxxix. I just like saying that word. Coxxix. Seems as I lose my ASS, I have less padding, and that oh so precious butt padding put less pressure on my tail bone. It is getting better, but that is all thats is really bothering me. I am working out 4-5 times per week. This week Monday, 45 minutes on the treadmill averaging 3 mph. Worked upper body on resistance weights, then I went to the batting cages and hit softballs for 30 minutes. No pain after workout or the next day, except for the coxxix. Then today (Tuesday) another 35 minutes on the treadmill averaging 3 mph and 30 minutes on the resistance weights working the lower body. Lucky me, my coxxix does not hurt today. Oh, and I have not taken any Blood Pressure medications since the day before the surgery and my BP is normal. How cool is that?

I know I can live with this!

Even though I have never thought myself a depressed personality type, I wonder now if I wasn't really depressed and just did not acknowledge it. I think back 4 months ago, and I really did not like visiting my customers. People who did not know me, automatically thought I was lazy and did not work hard. How could I get that fat, and be a good worker. I had to work extra hard to prove that I was not lazy, yet I was too tired and hurting so much, there is no way I could do my job with the utmost excellence. I hated getting out of bed in the morning. I was exhausted by 3:00 PM and of course needed a candy bar to get me through the afternoon.

I could have lived with that, but not for very long!

I love going to work now. I love going and seeing my customers. I have lots of energy. I know they are not judging me because of my size. I am shrinking right before them in width and depth, but growing in stature as I better serve them and meet their needs. Many have not even recognized me with the changes, but all are very happy for me. I am even closing more deals now, more confidence, better looking, stronger presence.

I can definitely live with this!

So where am I you ask. I will tell you. I am in a very good place. I am healthy, eating right, happy and content in my skin. I am in the gym. I am in the batting cage. I like myself, I am ready for whatever comes at me. I love getting up in the morning. I am loving playing house again and everything is really, really good!

I am in a really good place, except for my coxxix, but, I know, I can live with that!

11 Weeks Post Op - The Century Club

2008-02-08T20:02:00.001-06:00

Everything is still happening so fast. First I cannot believe that I am 10 days away from being exactly 3 months post op. Secondly, and more importantly, I cannot believe that I have lost 100 pounds. That is correct, as of this morning, I am down 100 pounds from my 10 day pre-op weight. 100 pounds in 89 days. Over 1 pound per day.

When I tell people that, the first question that I am asked is "Is that healthy?"

The answer is yes, as long as I continue to follow my Surgeons directions. First, we WLS patients need to take our vitamins. Who would have thought that life would come full circle for us. When I was a child, I remember my Mom nagging me daily, "did you take your vitamins?" Try, they were the yummy Flintstone vitamins, but here I am, 40 years later, Mom ahas been replaced by SWMBO (She who must be obeyed), but the question is still the same. "Did you take your vitamins?" Now the vitamin type and ingredients is also very important. We as GBS patients, obviously have a restrictive component to our "Pouch" but as important, we have a malabsorbative component, which prevents us from absorbing calcium and many B complex vitamins. The vitamins that I take has a very high concentration of Vitamin B12, helping to prevent the B-Complex deficiency and I also take extra supplements of calcium. All my blood work is normal and I am currently having it checked monthly.

The last month has been rather emotional. It started with an old pair of Levi's. How can a pair of levi's cause an emotional event? It is easy, they fit. That's it, they just fit. I had not been able to wear those, oh so perfect, soft denim jeans for over 5 years. The ones that are frayed on the bottom at the back of the leg, from wearing them with my flip flops. You know, those jeans. They were 10 inches smaller that the pants that I had been wearing pre-op. I put them on about a 2 or 3 weeks ago, and they fit. Those of you that don't have weight problems, are just not going to understand this, but many of you are reading this blog, because you have had GBS or are contemplating it. We call these wow moments. There will be many wow moments for those of us that are Morbidly Obese or Super Morbidly Obese. Here are some Wow's I have already accomplished and some I am still waiting for.

Easily tying my shoes
Shopping someplace else but the fat guy store ( politically correctly called "The Big and Tall Store")
Not asking for an extension belt from the flight attendant ( I now have a collection for sale.)
Fitting in the Airplane Lavatory
Walking a mile without pain

There are many many more that I am looking forward to.

One thing I have noticed, is the negative perception that many seem to have about the procedure. Particularly Oprah Winfrey and others in positions like her. Many think that this surgery is the "Easy way out" for an obese person. This surgery is by no means "The Easy Way out!" She seems to have a much greater respect for those that lose weight, by working out, or dieting (what she calls, normally) and much less respect for those of us that have had the GBS. Just like 'The Dieters", we still count calories, exercise 4-5 times per week, limit portions, eat healthy, we as GBS patients not have a 50% success level at losing and keeping the weight off. Where those who do not have GBS only have a 5% success rate. I will never be able to sit down and eat a 16 ounce steak again, I can't, it is impossible. I can no longer do things, food wise that I have enjoyed for over 40 years. This is hard, and no one, not even you Oprah, have a clue about how difficult it is, unless you have had the procedure.

It is not the easy way out and it is not meant to be!

So here I am. 100 pounds less than I was 3 months ago. Learning to shop at the Goodwill, learning to eat good and Loving this life. That is a quote from my new friend Shereeks and brought to life by my buddy Gwen in the UK. This will not change. I really love this life!

7 weeks Post-op - Consternation

2008-01-06T16:36:00.001-06:00

What a wild ride. Amazing wild ride. Starting with the most asked question - I had my one month post op appointment with my Surgeon today (really 7 weeks) and I am down 66 pounds. Who would have thunk it. 66 pounds. I am feeling great, exercising at least 3 times per week. Lost 2 shirt sizes and 8 inches in my waist. It is just the beginning of the journey, yet it feels as if it is happening so fast. And it is.

Now for all the positives of the Gastric Bypass there are some real and difficult potential side effects. So kids, gather around, today we are going to learn about the side effects of Gastric Bypass Surgery and the one that seems to be affecting me the most.

According to http://www.bariatricsurgerypittsburgh.com/surgery/side_effects.html Gastric Bypass Surgery can have the following side effects.

As a regular guy, I am pretty sure the pregnancy side effect will not bite me. But I as a GBS patient have to be on the lookout for the others.

Nausea and Vomiting

I have experience the nausea and vomiting twice, so far. Both times at business lunches, of which, I am sure my business associates very much appreciated. The first was with this beautiful fresh, raw Ahi tuna. 5 pieces, $13.50. I got one piece in me, one piece and was waiting as I usually do to see if my tool would agree with my tastebuds as to how great this fine piece of fish tasted. It didn't. I had pain, and I knew, rather instinctively, that this was not going to be a great experience. So I excused myself, wandered off to the mens room and prepared for the worst. I was however, mildly surprised. As I leaned over the loo, ensuring my tie was out of range, I felt the beginnings, opened m mouth, and had a very minor spew. Not the gut wrenching, body contorting, pulling my two guys down there up into my body type of vomit, but just a spew. Oops, there was one more. Spew. All done. Not what I had expected. The act was not horrible. But it makes sense. I now have a 60 cc pouch, not a 1500 cc stomach. When something goes wrong in the 1500 cc version, muscles twist, guts churn, balls flee in terror, innards regret and it is horrible. Spew. Not so bad.

Second nausea, grilled cheese sandwich. 2 bites. Not good feeling. Spew. That was it. Spew.

Dehydration

Drink your freaking water. I have not been dehydrated yet. My doctor says 64 ounces of fluid per day. For those of my readers in the UK and Norway (and I know you are out there) - that is also 64 fluid ounces. See how good my metric conversions are. I have been having trouble getting all 64 in me. As we have to sip, sip, sip, 64 ounces is a lot of water. I have been getting between 40 and 64 and have not had any dehydration problems.

Food Intolerance

I have had no manifestation yet, of food intolerances. But, (theres the big but) I have followed very closely my Doctors recommendations for food. I have not really stepped out of the box. I have read that approximately 1% of us will develop lactose intolerance. Foods that are dry (roast beef, turkey, other meats), sticky (peanut butter), gummy (fresh bread), or stringy (chicken, celery, fibrous fruit, and vegetables) seem to present the biggest problems for most GBS patients. Please God - don't make me intolerant to peanut butter!

Dumping Syndrome

This has yet to happen to me and this one is really scary, yet I have this really strange desire to eat something that may cause me to dump, in a controlled environment so I know what to expect out of a controlled environment. AM I STUPID, OR WHAT! For those of you that don't know, this is what dumping is:

A condition known as “dumping syndrome” can occur as the result of rapid emptying (“dumping”) of stomach contents into the small intestine. This is triggered when too much sugar or very greasy (fried) foods are consumed.

Although it is not considered a serious risk to health, the symptoms of dumping syndrome can be extremely unpleasant. They include nausea, weakness, sweating, faintness, tiredness, diarrhea, rapid heart rate, and stomach cramping after eating. GBS patients usually say the symptoms make them feel “like I want to lie down and die for a half hour.”

Why would I want to experience this?

Changed Bowel Habits

Crap! This one really bites. Let me tell you, pre-op I was one regular guy. If you know what I mean. This side effect has really been the one that kicks my butt, literally. Constipation, that little secret that keeps us BOUND together. In my best text language, OMG! So for the past few weeks I have been working on the formula that works for me. My Doctor offered me the laxative, nooooooo, not the L word. I politely declined and have proceeded to work this one out. I started with an over the counter stool softener. Added a couple of tablespoons of ground flax seed to my protein shakes and every other day and drinking a pro-biotic drink. It is better, much better now, but still not perfect. There is also psyllium husks, but be careful, if you don't drink enough with those, they will just bind you more. On a good/bad scale, that would be very bad.

Pregnancy

As quoted from Kindergarten Cop - "Boys have penis's and girls have vagina's". I am a boy. Enough said.

Cold Intolerance

Less fat = less insulation. Less insulation = I am freezing my butt off. Living in Nebraska now, in the winter, My guys routinely are hibernating, looking for warmers locations. So I do not know if its Nebraska, or GBS, but I am freezing my butt off.

Transient Hair Thinning

About half of women who have undergone GBS notice the thinning of their hair. Sorry girls. It seems to occur between 2 and 10 months after surgery. Make sure you are taking your vitamins and ensure you are getting your protein. I have also read that zinc and biotin supplements help - but check with your Doctor as I am not one, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night.

Caution with Upper Endoscopy

I am going to quote directly from the website for this.

"After gastric bypass surgery, the anatomy of the GI tract changes permanently. Access to the disconnected stomach (gastric remnant) and duodenum may be required in the future for tests like EGD or ERCP to diagnose rare problems such as ulcers, bleeding, cancer, or bile duct problems.

Because access to the disconnected portion of the GI tract is very difficult with the current technology, laparoscopic surgery may be needed to assess this part of the GI tract."

Along with this comes the subject of Strictures. Before my surgery, I did not see al lot written about strictures, but it seems as if many of my GBS brothers and sisters have had strictures. This, as I understand it is a closing of the anastomoses (the hole). It can be easily treated but needs to be watched for. Treatment requires and endoscope and the expansion of the stricture, and it seems that those that have one, often end up having several.

So, here I am, seven weeks post-op. I am standing taller, walking faster, loving more (woohoo) and feel great. Even with the few side effects that I have experienced, I would have still had this surgery performed. I know the surgery, along with my hard work and following of directions, is going to help me to live a long and healthy life.

4 weeks post-op - The Lesser Man

2007-12-18T13:03:00.000-06:00

What an amazing four weeks. It has gone so fast. Every day I am becoming a lesser man. I know that doesn't sound right. Lesser in size, and mass. Not in mind and spirit. I made SWMBO (She who must be obeyed) laugh a couple of days ago when I put a pair of shorts on and took 3 steps and they fell off. Puddled around my ankles. I am down 2 shirt sizes and 4 inches in my trousers. Segway - Wicked witch of the west, I'm melting, I'm melting. Segway - back to topic. Fifty pounds gone, forever. Never to return. Ahhhhh - deep sigh of relief.

I did have my first vomiting experience yesterday. One thing I have found out, is when my tool doesn't like something, I get immediate feedback. For those of you that are continuing on to have this procedure, remember this. Every time you try a food that you have not had since the surgery, go slow, it is a brand new experience for your tool, for that new pouch of yours. The feedback for me is immediate and swift. I was out for a business lunch. I am very open about my surgery, so my lunch mate knew about it. I had ordered a sushi grade ahi tuna sashimi style with a remoulade - yes its raw, get over yourselves. The sauce was sweet - bad juju. I took three very small bites, chewed very completely and waited for the results. Within a minute or so, I knew this was not going to be pleasant. The tuna was fresh and excellent, pre-op I would have loved the sauce. I excused myself and proceeded to the loo. (That was for my friend five-wises). Felt the internal bubbling and proceeded to spew.

Now this was not as bad as I expected. There was no gut wrenching twisting and turning of a large sick stomach. I just kind of opened my mouth and out it came. Ok. Not horrible. One spew later and I was done. I felt better, tool feedback controlled and done. $13.50 wasted. there were 4 pieces on the plate still and one chewed piece in the jon. Expensive lesson. I should have ordered the soup. Now I am however, kind of bummed. Pre-op I adored sushi and sashimi. I hope this is not my future for the raw fish. In a couple of months I will try again, but for now, I will be passing on the raw.

Another thing that I noticed in the past week, is how uncomfortable everyone, except SWMBO, is around me at meal time. Everyone wants to apologize for consuming huge mounds of food in front of me. I have to ensure them that it is ok, eat away. It does not bother me. Until recently, I never really noticed how much we as an American society eat. I was speaking with a loved one about the size of portions in Europe. She had stated that her sister or someone had gone and the portions were very slight. I explained to her, that it was the norm in Europe. Only in our American excess, do we pile enough food on one plate to feed three people. I really see that now and it bothers me that I could not control myself in the past to consume a proper portion.

Life continues to be a new amazing adventure. 4 weeks out and I am doing great. I feel great, am exercising 2-3 times per week. Pain in my back is gone, I am sleeping well and truly look forward to my future as the lesser man.

21 Days Post Op - Pump Me Up

2007-12-11T09:28:00.000-06:00

When I was in high school, college and the Navy, I spent a lot of time in the gym. Exercising, running and lifting weights. Football required strength, conditioning, endurance and more strength. I spent hours in the weight room with Paul, Rich and the rest of my O-Line buds. We would yell at each other, grunt, sweat and pound out hours and thousands of pounds of reps on the bench press, the power driver, curls, squats and more leg work. Obviously, looking at myself, I have spent very little time in the gym over the last 10-15 years.

"I'm Hans and I'm Franz"

I have returned to the sweaty environs of the local health club as of last Wednesday. It has been a very emotional week for me. You see, I love the gym. I loved working out, the feeling in my muscles as they grow due to the weight being lifted over and over. I don't quite understand why I stopped doing this in the past, but I did and the results are what they are. Now as I just had major Gastric Bypass Surgery, I have to be very careful as to what I do in the beginning, but it is a beginning and bring on the endorphins.

"and we are here"

My first day in the gym was spent on the treadmill. Roxy (Dr Whites Plan Administrator) said I should be doing the 100 meter mosey. So that is what I did. 30 minutes on the tread mill set at 2.6 mph. I elevated my heart rate to 143 and maintained it there for 30 minutes. I had trouble figuring out how to stop this machine and figure I was doomed for life to be attached to this moving tread, but figure it out and stepped off. Dizzy. Light headed, I stumbled to the towels and returned to my senses. I am completely overwhelmed. 25 days ago I could not walk 1/4 of a mile without having to sit down, without having extreme pain in my back. The mall was a painful experience. I am actually emotional. I just walked 1.2 miles in 30 minutes. I didn't have to stop, I am not in pain. What in the name of God is happening to me. So much has changed in the last 25 days.

"to pump you up."

Two days later I went back to the wellness center and had my fitness assessment. Can a 392 pound man really have an assessment of his fitness. Let's be real here. Now if we were to call it a lack of fitness assessment, that would probably be more correct. So I got weighed, bmi'd blood pressured (still no more bp meds) and Ross ran me through all the machines in the center. Let me tell you about this wellness center. It is really quite nice. It is ran by the Hospital Parent group that did my surgery. It is not a meat market. I see no steroid monsters, in fact the average age here is probably the mid to late forties - just like me. People that want to better themselves and their health. It is perfect. They have great equipment and if I keel over due to the exercise, I am about 200 meters from the ER. I really like it here.

"Bring on the endorphins"

I again went to the gym last night, exactly 21 days post-op. Did my 32 minutes on the treadmill. This time I did 10 minutes at 2.6 mph, 10 minutes at 3.0 mph and returned to 2.6 mph for the last 10 minutes. Kept my heart rate from 143 to 156 for the complete 30 minutes. I then did a round on the arm and chest machines. Light, light weights, 2 sets of 15 and 12 reps. Holy crap, I remember this feeling. My biceps and triceps pumped right up. My chest muscles tightened. I love this stuff. No exercise performed to failure. Maintained my form. High reps with low weight, toning exercises. Nothing yet for the midsection of my torso. Those exercises are still a few months away. This is going to be great. I will have "guns" again. I finished my workout again with no real pain and a wonderful endorphin rush. I have lost 48 pounds and feel great.

Two weeks post op - Melting

2007-12-04T20:58:00.000-06:00

Today I am 15 days post op. I don't want to make it sound easier than it is, for some folks it is very difficult. Difficult to make the transition to less food, pain from the surgery, difficulty moving around. It just has not been that way for me. I don't know if I have a high pain tolerance, or I am a quick healer, or what ever - I don't know, but it just hasn't been that difficult so far. Maybe I am just too stupid to realize that it is difficult, but it hasn't been. Now for the big announcement.

42 pounds.

Thats right, from 10 days prior to the surgery till day 15 post op, I have shed 42 pounds. 2 large bags of dog food. One large turkey + 3 chickens. Three 14 pound bowling balls. Gone, disappeared. This is just strange. I am a bowler and I have lost my balls. I eat 4 to 5 times per day, I am full, not starving, and loosing almost 2 pounds per day. Clothes that did not fit, now fit. Many are getting too big. My watch is spinning on my wrist and my wedding ring is spinning on my finger. I have lost 10 percent of my starting weight in the first 25 days. I am waiting for the crashing stop, the inevitable stall and I am sure the intoxication will subside when the stall occurs, but right now I am living in it.

Lets now talk about the difficulties of the first two weeks. I wrote earlier about Days 1-4. After that, my big issue was the gas pains. Not gas from the what I was consuming, but what had been pumped into me for the surgery. That large gas bubble provided some intense pain through day 10 or so after the surgery. If I laid down, it hurt, if I sat too long it hurt. My left shoulder hurt. I could feel the bubbles moving around in my chest cavity. One day I thought I was having a heart attack but it was just the gas. Pain wise, there has not been a whole lot of it. The lap sites were pain free by day 5. The pain from the surgery was only evident when I tried to sleep.

I normally sleep on my side or stomach and when I tried that in the first 10 days, I felt pain in my insides. After day 10 I was able to sleep on my side or my stomach with very little or no pain whatsoever. In fact, I have not taken any pain meds since about Day 7 post op. Sleeping the first seven days home was hard. I just had trouble falling asleep at night. I don not know why, I just did. I took some Ambien for a couple of nights after I stopped the pain meds, but since about day 10, I have fallen asleep much like I did prior to the surgery. Now sleeping on the other hand has been a bit strange. I have been have just downright strange dreams. Not that most dreams are not usually strange, but these have been most unusually strange. I have heard others have experienced this and it will go away.

Did I mention I have lost 42 pounds.

If you have been following this blog, you will remember I made quite a to-do about taking a crap. Bowel movements. In the first week, when I still had alot of gas, the bowel movements continued to be an experience. They are basically, sorry mom, crap explosions with lots of crap shrapnel. Wifey is definitely not happy and after 7 days of this, I could not longer get out of cleaning up by telling Sandy I hurt to bend over a clean the toilet. Thank God that by day ten, the bowel were back to normal, except for the frequency. Taking in much less food has decreased the frequency of the venerable BM.

By the way, I have lost 42 pounds.

One thing that has been very difficult has been watching television. Not the sitting, or the inane crap that most network television shows consist of, but the food commercial. One half hour show had 9 or 10 restaurant commercials, and I found that just mentally difficult. The marketers make all that food look so good. I have just taken to looking away when those temptations are there.

All in all, it has been an amazing two weeks. I am back at work, I feel great and feel incredible positive about the future. I plan on sharing it all with you so come back as I add to this saga. Be well, and if I didn't mention it already, I have lost 42 pounds. Absolutely Awesome.

Some things don't need to change to get better.

2007-12-01T12:32:00.000-06:00

I turned 47 last month. As I opened the simple gift that my Bride of 29 years gave me, I was very happy. When I placed it in the CD Player, I was taken back 37 years to the day. That was just weird. I had turned 10 that day and had been given the magical sum of $5.00 in a birthday card by not 1, but 4 different people. That gave me the magical sum of $20.00. A lot of money for a 10 year old in 1970. You 20 somethings, probably wouldn't relate, but for those of us that are the last of the baby boomer's, you know it, I was rich!!!

At that point in my life, obviously not thinking about my 401K, I had to spend that money, like yesterday. I wish I remember where we went, but I don't. I had $20.00 and I could buy anything. A new baseball glove, or a new pair of Converse Chuck Taylor low tops. But no - I went right to the records. I had never bought an album before. Only 45's and now I had enough to purchase two. The first Blood, Sweat and Tears - Spinning Wheels and the second is why I am writing today. I loved music that day and I still do today.

I went to the rack with all the C's and there it was. This one guy in red pants on a 10-speed. Guys in jeans with long hair. My hair wasn't long, I wasn't nearly that cool. But there it was. Cosmo's Factory by Creedence Clearwater Revival. Songs like "Ooby Dooby" and "Ramble Tamble" and don't forget maybe the best three songs in a row on one album, maybe of all time. Songs 5-7 "Lookin' out my back door", "Run through the Jungle" and "Up around the bend".

Fast forward 1970 plus 37. I opened that simply wrapped gift this morning and I found a CD and DVD of John Fogerty's newest Album (CD - I just can not stop calling them albums) 'Revival". When I put the in the player, with song 1 "Don't you wish it was true", I found myself immediately tapping my fingers and toes. Was CCR back together? The John Fogerty influence in CCR was especially obvious with his latest production. I am on my second time though this album today and I know it will be in my car and most listened to in my Ipod for several weeks. This is a really good album and cannot recommend purchase or download high enough. I you are a CCR fan, a fan of rockabilly, or a fan of Fogerty, you will not be dissatisfied with this album . Two thumbs up, 9 out of 10 - whatever your rating scale - run out and buy this!

I get to Chew!

2007-11-28T10:44:00.000-06:00

I was going to put off writing today, but after this morning experience, I have decided to post. As a morbidly obese person, I have never really much thought about chewing. Hell, as a 210 pound football playing stud I never much thought about chewing. Open mouth, insert food using food delivery vehicle, grind, mash, and swallow.

Wikipedia defines chewing as:

Mastication or chewing is the process by which food is mashed and crushed by teeth. It is the first step of digestion and it increases the surface area of foods to allow more efficient break down by enzymes. During the mastication process, the food is positioned between the teeth for grinding by the cheek and tongue. As chewing continues, the food is made softer and warmer, and the enzymes in saliva begin to break down carbohydrates in the food. After chewing, the food (now called a bolus) is swallowed. It enters the esophagus and continues on to the stomach, where the next step of digestion occurs.

Cattle and some other animals, called ruminants, chew food more than once to extract more nutrients. After the first round of chewing, this food is called cud.

Now first an foremost, I think chewing sounds much more pleasing that mastication. So for you science types, when I say chewing, you can substitute mastication. Last night I paid attention to chewing, Thought about chewing. Downright enjoyed chewing. I have been on a high protein, liquid diet for 18 days, and yesterday I was released to chew. Notice I did not say, "Get real food". Did not mention purees. I GET TO CHEW! I love to chew.

My first meal was a soft scrambled egg and a piece of string cheese. A true masterpiece in the culinary world. Huevos con queso. One egg and one minuscule piece of cheese, and I asked SWMBO (She who must be obeyed) for a doggy bag. One egg and I had leftovers. That is really funny. But I was satisfied, satiated, not overfull, but very pleasantly comfortable. From this day forward, I am gonna be one cheap date. Excuse me waiter, I would like a cup of soup, a 4 oz steak and a doggy bag please. For dessert? How about one curd of cottage cheese? That did it, I am stuffed.

I had huevos con queso again for breakfast today. 2 more meals and 2 high protein snacks left today. But whatever the outcome, I get to chew.

Bon appetit!

Day 8 - First Post-OP Doctor Appontment

2007-11-27T14:40:00.000-06:00

Today has been a good day. A very good day. I took no pain meds last night, it has been 36 hours and I am pain free. I have been having trouble sleeping, or maybe it is better said, falling asleep. Then when I fall asleep, I am dreaming like crazy, weird dreams. Not violent, just weird and fragmented. I have been told the sleeping will return to normal and my droopy eyes say yeah, right!

Eating, or rather should I say drinking has also been pretty uneventful. I have been sticking to my protein drinks, thinned creamed soups, protein waters and vitamin waters, having no problems keeping them down. I even had some thinned cream of wheat which stayed down fine and was quite tasty. For my protein drinks I have been using a 1/2 & 1/2 mixture of Slimfast and whey protein power, skim milk, Shaklee LiqiLea multivitamin and crushed ice in the magic bullet. Tasty and healthy. I will have blood work on Thursday, so we will probably make some adjustments then.

Now for todays news. I went to see Dr White and Roxy. 11:15 AM and I step on the scale. 3 weeks ago I would have fought to avoid scales, now I cannot wait to get to it. I look down and read 410.8 I had to blink several times - 410.8. Holy Crap - 28.6 pounds lost in the last 18 days, never to return. I am amazed. 28.6 pounds. I cannot believe it and my fellings are all over the place. I feel kind of guilty. This procedure, according to many is painful and so difficult, and it has not been very painful for me. Difficult yes. I am not starving, not craving food, don't desire sweets and I can see the results so positively. I feel great and am only looking forward to the future.

28.6 pounds, I cannot believe it. I am amazed!

Day 4 - Freedom

2007-11-27T14:08:00.000-06:00

I slept till about 6 AM today. Have not had any pain meds since about 11 PM last night and still feel pretty good. Shannon relieved the Evil Tami, who really is not so evil, but I just like calling her that, at about 7 AM. Last shot of Heparin and Pepcid. It's Thanksgiving Day 2007 and I need my Doctor to come do the final inspection and release me from the assembly line.

Waiting.

About 10:30 Dr Dervall, the Internal Medicine man, came to check me out. My blood pressure is 113/69. I have not taken blood pressure meds since Sunday. Dr Dervall wants me to wait to see my PCP until next Thursday and determine what we are doing about the BP meds. Until then, I don't take them. We will see how the BP is next Thursday. Another set of vitals and need to see my surgeon. Shannon is keeping an eye on me, doing a great job, be HE is not as nearly easy on the eyes as Karen, Jennie, the Angelic Crystal, Polly Pureheart and the Evil Tami. Sorry Shannon. I am such a guy!

Waiting.

Speaking of Nurses - I need to say this. They work way to hard for not near enough money. These folks are amazing. They have so much responsibility. They were always comforting, supportive, loving, and caring. I could not have been better cared for. They laughed with me, helped me when I need help, pushed me when I needed pushing. Everyone should hug a nurse, right this second, if you are in the vicinity. I am pretty sure I love Nurses. Even you Shannon, but but not in an icky, creepy way. If those of you contemplating this surgery are reading this, don't be a jerk to your Nurse. They will get to you and want to help you. I loved all of mine - even the Evil Tami.

Waiting.

Dr. White's partner showed up around 1 PM or so and I am free. Well not completely. Shannon gets my paperwork, disconnects me from the IV and now is prepping to pull my drain. Now I have to say, this freaked me out. He pulls the dressing off, which shows signs of drainage, cuts a couple of small stitches and tells me to take a deep breath and blow out slowly. Now the last time I heard these words, there was an attractive blond nurse pulling about 12 inches of poly tubing out of my hoo-hoo. Definitely not a positive memory and hearing these words again just caused a minor flutter in my chest and an uncontrollable shrinking of my manhood. Maybe its the gas. I take the deep breath and start to blow, when I feel what might be the strangest feeling I have ever felt. I am sure it only lasted a second or two, but I will remember this forever. This rubber tube is being pulled out of my body and I can feel it on the inside, rubbing on organs and my innards. It was just weird.

Shannon cleans and tapes me up, I sign my release and Shannon calls me in a pain prescription and the Lovely Sandy went down to the car to meet me outside. I wish all the Nurses my Best, and Karen gingerly walks me to the front door, and I get to smell fresh air for the first time in 4 days. What an experience, simply amazing.

Thus ends the saga of my Laproscopic Roux-en-y Gastric Bypass Surgery. Now the real work begins. Watching what I eat, how I eat, the quantity of what I eat. I will continue to cronicle this journey. I will provide weekly updates for a while and updates whenever I have a Doctors visit. I hope my graphic explanation of what occurred this week, being tempered with humor, will dreaw you back to read. I am planning to share my complete journey with you, as I present my Life, Exhibited.

Day 3 Noon to Midnight - The Wind

2007-11-25T10:19:00.000-06:00

The angelic Crystal still has care for me. I have seen several Doctors today. Dr. White, my surgeon this AM, he says I am doing great and I should be out of the hospital tomorrow. An Internist that works with Dr. White on cases where a patients PCP does not work at a specific hospital. I cannot remember his name, but he also says I am doing great and should be out of jail by tomorrow.

Roxy and Beth came to visit the afternoon. Roxy is Dr. Whites Program Administrator Nurse and Beth is the program nutritionist. Roxy seemed especially ecstatic about how well I was doing and was especially humored by the fact that I was fussing around putting some styling gel in my hair. She made my appointment to see Dr. White on next Tuesday which will include my first post hospital check out and weigh in. Beth again wanted to talk about my post-op diet. Liquids only at 4 ounces per hour until my first visit with Dr. White. Then I will move to, hold on to your hats, Puree's. Puree's for the next 2 months. I am glad I bought that Vitamix several years ago. I could puree a 57 Chevy if I needed to.

I am walking alot now, sitting in the uncomfortable chair now and increasing the time between needed pain medications. Sandy said my eyes were real bright and beautiful today (blue and quite nice), and except for the real gas pain, I feel great. The gas pain here seems to be my real nemesis today. My lower torso region is soft and kinda squishy, but my mid torso is hard as a rock and still obviously filled with Gas from the surgery. My left shoulder hurts still right under the collarbone. The gas bubbles move and cause varying degrees of pain depending upon where they are.

Sandy has been a trooper, supporting me in this quest. She herself is not sleeping well, not eating well, just worried about me. She is taking off a little early today so she and my visiting family can go out tonight for Thanksgiving Dinner. She has decided not to cook tomorrow for Thanksgiving for the first time since we have been married (29 years) so I don't have to deal with all of the aroma's of her incredible cooking. I have an incredible wife and love her completely and will continue to need her support as this holiday season will be difficult for me, I am sure. I will be on pureed foods throughout the entire season and historically the Holiday season and been the time of the year when I do my "best work" in eating copious amounts of food. I think for Christmas, I will take a half cup of turkey, mashed potatoes, peas and cranberry sauce, add some chicken stock, bend and see what happens.

It's about 4 PM now, the gas pains are horrible, and all of a sudden I feel that oh so pleasant pressure that signals impending passing of gas. This is going to be much easier than peeing.
So I waddle off to the bathroom, take a seat, get comfortable and whoooossscchhhh! The rushing wind. Those of you that have trouble with farting may want to turn the page here. But, I am going to detail this fart.

As a farting connoisseur, I have never experience a wind quite like this. It wasn't a rumble, but much more of a pop, followed by a gas release. Not odorific, well, I didn't think so. Think about a small balloon with its opening flopping open and the trapped air rushing out for a couple of seconds. It was a good start, a very good start. Another milestone met.

Again the angelic Crystal seemed truly happy at the news of the wind and continued to cheer me on. Pardon me, I farted again. The rest of the day just cruised and several imposing farts later I knew it was time for my first Bowel Movement. I will not go into detail about the milestone event. I will not gross you out with accurate explanations about the dark liquefied, gooey, nasty gas accelerated crap bomb, with what I have started to call crap shrapnel. But when it happens to you, don't be alarmed, and I hope your Crystal reacts to it a positively as my Crystal did.

The Angelic Crystal was relieved by the evil Tami around 7 PM. Had another round of vitals, Pepcid and Heparin. Pain Meds around 11 PM and I would have slept all night had it not been for the Techs taking vitals every 4 hours.

Day 3 Midnight to Noon - The Flow

2007-11-25T08:50:00.000-06:00

I am beginning to not like Tami the nurse who came on at 7. Its just after midnight and I dread the words that are about to come out of her mouth with that cute southern drawl. They have come out of her mouth several times in the last few hours. "Any Luck?" she says. Those two words would have been fine if I was fishing, or at the Blackjack table. But at this moment in time, they were dreaded. Tonight, I definitely do not like Tami.

I cannot pee.

I have stood, laid down, sat "chick" style. I have walked. Sipped. Walked some more. I have pushed, squeezed, prayed, stood, sit, and prayed again. "God, I know you are there, and it's not like I am asking you to save my life or anything. I just wanna pee." Can one say "pee" to God. Is that one of the "words" you cannot say in church, with out the wrath of the All- Seeing, Non-Peeing God coming down upon you?

Stand, shake, sit. I cannot pee.

It's now after midnight and those two words come grating across my brain receptacles, "Any Luck"? I hate Tami. My mind screams " leave me alone you southern blankity-blank, can't you see I am trying to. I am sitting, standing, squeezing, pushing, dancing, walking, LEAVE ME ALONE", but I open my mouth and all that comes out is an embarrassed whisper of a "No". She has to let my Doctor know and we may have to put the catheter back in. I instinctively curl into a fetal position. Even I, in my Loritab induced haze know that this cannot be pleasant. It was performed under general anesthesia the first time and the only reason I know that is because there it was, in all its hanging glory after I woke up. I cannot even comprehend the horror of that occurring awake. Twelve to eighteen inches of poly-tubing being shoved up my hoo-hoo. I think "My Guy" just instinctively shrunk in horror.

Stand, shake, sit. I cannot pee. This is beginning to kinda suck.

I was starting to sweat, hey does that count as peeing, when the young female tech came in the darkened room with a rolling cart. She politely states she is here for a bladder scan to see how much fluid is in my bladder. So again I have to expose my now shrunken in fear nether regions (hey does that come in adult sizes?) to this 20 something blond tech. I definitely was not in my glory, and she scanned my non-producing bladder. 259 ml's. 259 ml's, she said again. Was that good? Bad? Do I have to worry? The tech said that the bladder is not very full. Even though they have been pumping 150 ML of fluids into me every 6 hours, since Monday, maybe I really had been dehydrated as my mouth and throat had attested to.

Stand, shake, sit, dance, squeeze, walk. I cannot pee. This is really beginning to suck.

It is somewhere around 2 AM when the evil Tami returns carrying the Oh My Gosh, Mount Everest, Holy Mother of God largest IV bag I have ever seen, and I watch ER alot. Doc wants me to have a "bolus" what ever that is. I come to find out it is a large (600 ml) amount of fluid through my IV injected in a short period of time. So Tami and her three large WWE assistants carrying the 600 ML IV bag hoist the bag onto the IV pole. I think I hear the pole groaning under the massive weight of the bag. Ok, so I am exaggerating a little. The evil Tami connects the IV Bolus and starts flowing away. My hand felt a little colder, that was strange, but Here comes the Bolus. I get a new blast of Loritab, and it's off to LaLa land.

5 AM comes around, Stand, shake, pray, sit, dance, squeeze, walk, pray again. I cannot pee. I am getting desperate and truly sub-consciously fearful.

This is really beginning to suck and I decide to walk again. 6 AM is rapidly approaching when the tech come in with my twice daily dose of Pepcid and Heparin. The Pepcid is to prevent any reflux and the Heparin is a blood thinner. I am going to walk again when I feel, whats that, but the slightest bit of pressure in my bladder that sends those signals to my neural receptors, telling my brain - I GOTTA GO PEE. I shuffled off to the bathroom, bending IV pole in hand and stand there urine receptacle inn hand. I stand, I dance, Praying again now, and I hear a dribble against plastic.

Dribble, dribble............and before you know it I am into continuous partial flow. Eureka. This could be the best day ever. I can pee. Its not full force, it is a darker more concentrated color, but who cares, I can pee - which means no Foley for me. What a site, a beautiful, yellow liquid 100 ml gift for the evil Tami. Maybe she is not so evil after all.

7 AM and the evil Tami is relieved by Crystal. I have never seen anyone so happy over urine as Crystal was. She kept congratulating me, telling me how great I was doing. After that nite with the evil Tami, I am sure I see the slightest forming of an angelic halo over Crystals head. Maybe its the Loritab.

Pain is lessening from all of the lap sites except the drain site and the gas pain is really starting to intensify. Gas pain in shoulder, back and chest. Starting to get hard to stay comfortable in my bed. Walking and breathing in the breathing thingy seem to help the most.

I can pee (again). I am a big boy now.

Next Milestone will be farting, something, that my wife knows, I am an expert at.

Day 2 Noon to Midnight - Anticipating the flow.

2007-11-24T15:10:00.000-06:00

I awoke to the wonderful sight of Wheelchair Pusher Girl. I am sure they have an official title, but all I know, at that point in time, is that she will be called Wheelchair Pusher Girl and that Wheelchair Pusher Girl = the test and passing the test = water therefore, Wheelchair Pusher Girl = water in my current 4 mg of morphine one hour ago hazed mind. My high school algebra teacher would be happy. Let us review, if A=B and B=C, then A=C. On to the test.

So as best as we could, we gathered up the IV pole and machine attached to my left hand, the catheter bag attached to my, well you know where that is attached and my oxygen tank attached to my nose, and off we went to XRay. 5 floors down, to the left, or was it right, left turn again through the automatic doors, I got to push the button, and parked in the hall outside of the Swallow Test room. Oh yeah, I had my file (one large binder) in my lap also.

The swallow test, is a test infront of a GE digitized XRay machine, where I am bestowed the awesome task of drinking this Barium Sulfate concoction. Barium sulfate is radioopaque (x-ray absorbent), used in X-ray diagnostic work for obtaining images of the digestive system ("barium meals" and "barium enemas"). Thank you Mr. Wiki. Now Crystal (God love her) in her obvious brilliant wisdom has prepped me for this with another shot, that will prevent nausea, because this Barium crap is supposed to be so foul tasting, horrible, awful, save the women and children, and just downright bad. At this point I am so thirsty, I might even consider a liquefied cat crap cocktail, so I am not too fearful of this XRay drink. I have to stand infront of an XRay machine while I drink the stuff so the Dr. can watch it pass though my system. If it flows correctly to where it should, I pass. If I pass, I get water, if I don't, well, I won't even think of that right now. I was always good in high school at tests. I have always been great at drinking, and this is a drinking test. Should be a piece of cake.

Let the test begin, I am in the machine and take a normal sized swallow of this golden elixir. The muscles in my face contorted into positions that I am sure they have never been in before. How can something that looks like Golschlager taste like???? I don't even know what this tastes like. There is nothing that can explain it, and now " Dr. This Stuff tastes like reconstituted second-hand hell" wants me to drink again. All I am thinking, is water, water, cool, clear Omaha Metropolitan Utility District City tap water. So I take my second drink, again the similar facial reaction, and I hear those magic words, you passed!!! Thunder and lightning, fireworks, I get water!!! Now where the heck is WheelChair Pusher Girl, I gets me some agua!

Back to the room and there she is, in her radiance, My Crystal, with that beautiful plastic graduated 1 ounce cup filled to the brim with cool, clear Omaha Metropolitan Utility District City tap water. Imagine my disappointment when I realized how small a portion one ounce of water was, and how quickly my disappointment returned to joy as that first tiny sip slipped past my parched throat. I was going to enjoy this slowly. Crystal brought me another prize also. Now that I could ingest orally, the pain would now be crushed by my new friend, Loritab Elixir. Basically Liquid Vicodin and Tylenol. That stuff made me Mr. Pain No More and worked awesome.

As soon as I was starting to feel the effects of the Loritab, Crystal and Polly were back, much to my chagrin, to remove my Foley Catheter. No, please do this in my sleep, I promise, I won't be mad. Nope, gonna do it now and Polly (the trainee) gets to do it. Great. After some fumbling with "My Guy" take a deep breath, and blow out slowly and away Polly pulls. I swear I just peed myself. That is what it felt like. When I realized that I hadn't I just smiled shyly, thanked them and hoped deep in my heart that I would never have to do that again. Crystal reminded me that the next milestone was passing water. Peeing. Urinating. And that would turn out to be the scariest of all.

Tami relieved Crystal and Polly. Lord, all I want to do is pee now - please?

Day 2 Midnight to Noon - I am Thirsty

2007-11-24T15:08:00.000-06:00

I am thirsty. I could end this blog right here and that would sum this morning up. I will repeat, I am thirsty. I have had nothing to drink since 10:30 on Sunday night and it is now 0630 on Tuesday Nov 20th and my throat and mouth is so dry. Sure, I have been on an IV, I have the Foley Catheter properly installed (a story which I will elaborate upon) and I am involuntarily moving bodily fluids. But my mouth is dry and my throat hurts and I have just been told that I can have nothing to drink until my "Swallow Test" (get your minds out of the gutter right now), Which is at least 5 or 6 hours away.

The pain is still pretty severe after 2 or so hours of Karen's and now the wonderful Jennie's visits. They have been keeping on top of the pain. Today I also realized I have the On-Q Pain Buster around my neck which is providing pain meds subcutaneously to the areas of the most internal work. This morning I really started feeling the gas bubble in my torso (used to "Pump me up" so the Surgeon has room to work inside me. I am starting to have trouble differentiating the pain - is it from the cuts and mods or is it from the gas? I have a sharp pain in my left collarbone area, which I am sure is from the gas. That keeps coming back with the mid-torso pain. It will be around for a few days I am sure.

Crystal came on around 7 AM as my new nurse, she is also training Polly. Polly Pureheart! There's no need to fear, Underdog is here! Crystal and Polly will be with me for the next 12 hours or so. These nurses are amazing. They work so hard and have to take so much crap from people. I hear the nurses outside tell each other I am a great patient, so I don't want to ruin that. They really have taken care of me so well.

I am thirsty.

We were informed that my swallow test "may" occur around 10:30 AM. That is a milestone. Many things occur when you pass that test. First on my list is I get to DRINK WATER. Did I mention that I was thirsty? One ounce of water by mouth for 16 hours after I pass the swallow test. Bring on the test! At that time they will remove my catheter. Oh joy! Two attractive women, getting to see me in all my post-operative glory, removing approximately 18 inches of poly tubing strategically placed inside my lower nether regions. I am not looking forward to that part, but Bring on the test!

I have walked already a couple of times today, walking feels good and I am so "upright". I decide to sit in the uncomfortable chair in preparation for the wheelchair pusher girl to come and get me. It is 10:25 AM.

10:30 AM I am thirsty and no test. Bring on the test!

11:00 AM and no test. I am still thirsty and my back is starting to hurt. Bring on the test!

11:30 AM and no test. I am still thirsty, my back hurts, my shoulder hurts, my stomach hurts and I am getting cranky and I can no longer focus on the television. For the love of all that is good, would somebody please bring on the test!

11:45 AM and no test. I am still thirsty, my throat hurts, my lower back hurts, my left shoulder hurts, my stomach hurts freaking everywhere and I am really cranky, the TV is a blur and for the sake of all the poor little starving children in the world, Crystal - Bring on the Morphine - screw the test.

The swallow test will happen when it happens. Time for Jim to nap. The pain is gone, Crystal is my best friend, and I am still thirsty.

Day 1

2007-11-23T14:51:00.000-06:00

This has been an interesting day. I arrived at the hospital on time. I kept waiting to sign a paper stating I would not hold the hospital responsible if I died, but that doc was never placed in front of me. They gave my wife a restaurant thingy, You know, the one you get at the Red Lobster or the Outback when your table is ready, but instead of a table, it was the one you get when your husband is ready. I thought it was funny that I was having gastric bypass, and my wife was given a restaurant thingy.

So off to the prep room I went. They should really put some art in there. The grey walls were rather bland and non-descript. Put on my beautiful hospital gown and spent some time with Maureen - my pre-op nurse. Everyone kept asking me if I knew what surgery I was having and to explain it in my own words. I thought that strange. It occurred at least ten times. After 5 or 6 times I started answering Gender Re-assignment. I got a good look a few times, and then they realized that I was a smart-alek.

I spoke with the Dr of Anesthesiology and we ended up talking alot about my job and the Power needs of the Omaha area along with Wind Power. Maureen placed my IV and about 9:20 AM - I kissed my wife and rolled off to the OR(That's Operating Room for those of you that don't watch ER (That's Emergency Room)).

The next hour and a half is kind of hazy. I guess that is a good thing. I rolled into the OR - I wanted to remember the music that was playing, and I knew the song. But for the life of me I cannot remember the song. I slid to the operating table and they started strapping me in, arms and legs. Someone put a mask on my face and said breath deeply, i took a couple of breathes and remember thinking this is gonna take a while, I did not feel sleepy........................

.....................................................................................................and then I woke up.

That was just weird. That time of my life is just gone. It was about 11:45, I think, a major event in my life had just occurred, and I missed it. These was lots of beeping, lots of activity, bright lights, and people all around me. Someone pulled a tube out of my mouth. Crap - that hurt. Vitals, lots of questions. Vitals again, Someone said everything went very well. My buddy Dave told me you feel like a million bucks when you wake up. I really don't remember how I felt. In fact, I am not sure I accurately remember what time I was rolled into my room and when I saw Sandy and my other visitors. I was sleepy, and I realized that sometimes Drugs are good.

Now, if that is what a million bucks felt like, about three hours later, I felt like a buck-fity. This sucks. But wait, there is morphine and I don't have to wait for it. I'm gonna like Karen. Sleepy again. Hey, I am awake again. Karen is back and asks me how my pain is. I had decided that if I can can keep it below three on a scale of ten, I was going to try to live with it. Everyone is still here. Lots of hello, telling me how great I look. Yeah right, a big fat guy who just had major surgery and I look "Great". Who is lying to whom here. Pain is about a 7 - so more morphine is delivered and the pain quickly subsides. Vitals are taken, BP is great, temp is great, all is well in Whoville. I talk to my kids (I think), call some friends (Rich and Briana) to lets them know I am alive and decide it is time to sleep again. Karen keeps the pain going away. I know I am gonna like Karen.

Awake again, and it has been about 6 or 7 hours since the surgery. It is time to take my first walk. What you say? Yep, six hours after "The Event" I am taking a lap around the 5E wing. I get out of bed, that hurt, disconnect the power cord for the IV thingy machine, put on a second beautiful hospital gown, so my rear nether regions would not be exposed to the world, not that at that point I would have really cared, and strolling I went. IV thingy machine in my right hand, my sweetie in my left and the trainee nurse trailing. Sandy kept talking about how well I was doing and how upright I was. I would imagine the first upright walking Ape received the same compliments from his bride. About half way around, all I could think of was not how upright I was, but where was my friend Karen. Pain at a level is nothing I ever want to experience again and if I have my way, oh here is Karen now. Obviously the best nurse ever! Off to sleep again.

That really is the extent of my first day. Drugs, surgery, drugs, drugs, tests, drugs, walking drugs with a lot of sleep mixed in between. Let's see what tomorrow brings.

Be well all.

Ok, here we go!

2007-11-19T06:08:00.001-06:00

This is the day. I have given it all to my Lord and Savior. Off to the Hospital and the skills of Dr. Thomas White. All is in order. Let the cutting commence. I do have a strange calm and I slept well last night.

I love my wife and children.

3 Days

2007-11-16T10:23:00.000-06:00

Today I received a call from Trish, the nurse putting my file together for my impending surgery. I guess we would call this my pre-op consultation. She was very pleasant and asked many questions, on which I will elaborate later. It has been a busy week. All the preps are done, I am enjoying my liquid diet and I am ready to go.

First on Monday of this week I called my employers disability center. I do have 20 sick days, but if I am going to be out more that 7 straight, I must register a disability claim which is claim number 63494. This ensures I will continue to get fully paid for the 20 Personal Illness Payments. After the 20 days (if I am still convalescing) I can get 26 weeks of extended disability at 50% pay (up to 100% pay if my Manager approves, I hope I have done a good job!) I do not expect that I will need it, but it is good knowledge to have.

I then phoned my Medical Insurance Company to verify that they had all the proper approvals in place. I spoke with a very nice lady and she reviewed my record and ensured me that all approvals were in place and that they needed nothing else from me. That was way too easy and in past dealings with Insurance Companies, I hope this simpleness of this will not come back to haunt me. Getting approved seemed much to simple.

Wednesday I had my pre-op physical. Dr. Z is fantastic. He has been very supportive in this whole process. Much unlike my PCP in Albuquerque. She does not believe in this surgery and routinely spoke against it. That to me was very surprising and I still don't know what her problem with the procedure was. So I was poked (dang vampires), prodded, EKG'd and generally looked over. Oh yeah, two shots, flu vaccine and a Tetanus shot. Two days later and the Tetanus site site hurts. I am pretty sure the nurse enjoyed ripping the few hairs that I have out of my chest when removing the EKG probes. She had this evil smile on her face, and with every pull - said "take that!" I am just joking about that, but I did accuse her of enjoying that part a little too much. Dr. Z also perscribed some Ambien - I am having trouble sleeping. Probably a little stress - you think? Doc said I was ready to go, said I would do well and wished me well. I told him that I would see him in 30 pounds.

Wednesday afternoon I spoke with my good friend who is also a financial adviser. We spoke in depth about my insurance, investments, and what I wanted just in case I am not here on Tuesday. I have taken to calling that potential outcome "In case something stupid happens." The reality of this surgery is real and there is risk. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to try to cover all aspects to ensure my wife is taken care of "if something stupid happens." Dave wrote my desires and wishes down, and we agreed to burn the document on next years vacation.

Which brings me to Friday. Three days to go before my surgery. 3 days before a major life changing event. As I wrote earlier, Trish called. She is from the hospital getting "My File" ready. She asked me lots of questions. Here are a few:

Can you tell me in your own words what surgery you are having? I had kind of hoped they knew what surgery they were performing on me - but I answered "The Laproscopic R-N-Y Gastric Bypass Surgery. "
Do you have a recent loss that you want to tell me about? That was a strange question. I told her about my dog Tucker, who died 3 years ago. She pretty much knew that I was a smart alek by this time.
Do you feel safe around your house and neighborhood? That was a really strange question, and I probed her to explain the question. She said that some people have real fears in their house with domestic violence. I am glad that is not an issue I have to deal with.
She was very surprised that I answered yes to the question, Do you have a living will? She stated that "Most" people do not have one, and that ask the question to prod folks into thinking about the need for one.

So now I am ready. Three Days. Lets do this.

7 Days.

2007-11-12T23:29:00.000-06:00

I am seven days away from my surgery. 3 days into the liquid diet again, It has really helped me not think about food. I am ready paperwork wise. I have a physical on Thursday. I always associate a physical with the words "Turn your head and cough". Why did they do that when we were in school. I never understood what the Doctors were looking for when they did that. It is not worse than a prostate exam. That is definitely worse.

I am trying to assess where I am mentally with this surgery. I have been edgy this week. As one who has never experienced the joys of anesthesia or flesh parting as a scalpel finds its mark, that still seems to bother me. Also dealing with my own mortality has been a bit of a strain. Think about this, I mean really ponder it. What would you be doing if you chose to have a surgery, that you could die from. Nationally - 1 in 100 die from this surgery. What would you do? What plans would you make? Who would you talk to? Whom would you reach out to?

I called a good friend today. Dave and his wife Sherry are like family. In fact, if I could choose a brother, it would be Dave. We are already Brothers in Christ. Somehow, if I had the option, I would select Dave to be my brother. He promised to help my wife, OK, let us just say it, if I die. I asked him to. I don't think I had to ask, he would have any way. But I needed to know that someone would be there to help Sandy if something stupid happens next Monday. We are going to talk tomorrow. He is going to take notes to ensure he knows what I want for my wife, if I am not here in a month. We agreed that Sandy and I would go to Alaska next year so Dave and I can but those notes while fly fishing for monster trout, but I am glad he and I can talk about these things.

I am going to post my picture today. It will be the last photo taken prior to my surgery. One last reminder of myself in all my largeness. Let the shedding of pounds begin. I have many friends and acquaintances that I know are Praying for me. That is the most important thing to me. That will help me the most. I have a beautiful wife and am living an incredible blessed life. I am one lucky man.

Things that just don't make sense.

2007-10-31T19:35:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, things just don't make sense. Things that just are so crazy, that there is absolutely no explanation that makes sense. Nothing that makes it understandable. I am going through that right now. Not anything that personally affects me, but something that affects ones that I love.

I see a person that I love, again start making decisions, that alone won't hurt that person, but when one steps back and looks at the big picture, crushes the heart of many around them. Sure, the heart only hurts for a while, but when it does, the pain is like none other.

Why do people continue to be self-destructive, when there are so many that love them, and want with all their hearts to see them succeed? Why do people that are so incredibly talented, continue to surround themselves with people who just want to use them rather than with those who will prop them up? Why do people that could conquer the world with their abilities, continue to have so little confidence in their abilities?

I will quote an incredily young friend of mine, whom I respect immensly. That person wrote me a note one day and quoted an incredible author, They wrote "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable and it keeps NO record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice, but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."

That makes sense. Some other things do not.

Pre- Surgery Seminar

2007-10-24T08:48:00.000-05:00

Monday evening my wife and I attended the Pre- Surgery Seminar. Two hours spent with Beth the Nutritionist and Roxi the Coordinator of the Program. I really like Roxi alot. The first hour was nutrition and what we will get to eat ( for the rest of our life) and more importantly pre and post surgery.

Ten Days prior to the surgery and 20 days post this will be my diet. Fasten your seat belts.

Cream Soups (reduced fat, thinned)
Tomato Soup (reduced fat, thinned)
Broth (chicken or beef), Consumme or bouillon ( fancy words for broth)
No sugar added Carnation Instant Breakfast
Slimfast 2g Net Carbs (avoid Ensure or Boost)
Tea or Coffee (limit amounts and decaf is best) (Not)
Sugar Free Jello
Diet Custard, sugar free low-fat puddings ( Now I am pretty much a custard expert. My All time favorite dessert is Creme Brulee. Is "Diet Custard" even custard. This one is just plain scary.)
Low-fat sugar free Yogurt (without nuts, fruits or preserves) ( Probably really means without taste)
Sugar free Popsicles
Unsweetened fruit or vegetable juice (best to dilute half and half with water)
Cream of wheat (thinned) ( Yummo!)
Crystal Light, Sugar free Kool-aid
AVOID Chocolate Milk and puddings made with whole milk
AVOID carbonated beverages such as soda pop, club soda, sparkling water; caffeinated beverages, or alcoholic beverages.

That is one exciting menu. 30 days on liquids. Is diet custard even possible?

Roxi was next with the discussion of the surgery, schedules and what to expect. The surgery will be laproscopic so I will have 6 holes in me, one of which will be left open for a couple of days with a drain coming out to ensure no leakage from the staple sites. I should be home in three days with a one to three weeks recovery time. I was told to expect to be very tired and feel weak for a few days after surgery. Duh!

I actually was a very good meeting and I appreciate Beth and Roxi and their commitment to helping us.

Prayers for someone just like Briana.

2007-10-22T20:46:00.001-05:00

Sometimes, when I want to test God, (I don't recommend testing God) but sometimes I do. I go to bed without setting my alarm. I pray and ask God to awaken me at a specific time. An odd specific time. Something that my body is not used to. I can honestly say, every time I have done this, God has shown Himself faithful. I always awaken 1 minute prior to the time I prayed for. One minute. I find it fascinating that God even answers our stupid little requests. Now when he answers a big request, something that one has been praying for, for a really long time. Then one gets to be blown away.

Today, I am announcing, that my son is in love. Yep, the "L" word. Smitten, head over heels in love. A father can only hope that his children grow to be productive adults and find a mate that will make his children better together, than they were alone. I have been blessed once by my Daughter finding Jonathan. Now I am doubly blessed, for Jason has found Briana, and this is where the answer to prayer part comes in.

We moved to New York in about 1995 and started going to a small country church in Burnt Hills, NY. The church had about 60-70 people. We met this family, Dale and Dixie King and his four blond daughters. I ended up as the youth (teen) pastor at this church and developed a very close relationship with this family. Briana and her sister Heather were always two of my favorites. Their inquisitiveness and desire to please God. The fact that they honored their parents and honored me as their Teacher. Heather even lived with my wife and I during a time in her life.

Here is where the prayer part comes in. From the time Briana was about 15 or 16, I prayed that my Son could find a girl or young women that was like her. Someone that was strong, smart and amazing. My son was a mess, living "La Vida Loca", but I kept praying for him and that someday he would find someone like Briana.

Fast forward 6 or 7 years and OH MY GOSH. My son has his act together, he is working like crazy, back in school and making plans for the future and he has found someone just like Briana. In fact, he found Briana. I could not be more pleased. It truly is amazing to see what God does when you go to Him humbly in prayer. Lord, I thank you for answering prayers.

Gastric Bypass Surgery from www.mayoclinic.com

2007-10-22T10:55:00.000-05:00

Weight-loss (bariatric) surgery changes the anatomy of your digestive system to limit the amount of food you can eat and digest. The surgery aids in weight loss and lowers your risk of medical problems associated with obesity.

Gastric bypass is the favored bariatric surgery in the United States. Surgeons prefer this surgery because it's safer and has fewer complications than other available weight-loss surgeries. It can provide long-term, consistent weight loss if accompanied with ongoing behavior changes.

Gastric bypass isn't for everyone with obesity, however. It's a major procedure that poses significant risks and side effects and requires permanent changes in your lifestyle. Before deciding to go forward with the surgery, it's important to understand what's involved and what lifestyle changes you must make. In large part, the success of the surgery is up to you.

How is gastric bypass surgery done?

In gastric bypass (Roux-en-Y gastric bypass) the surgeon creates a small pouch at the top of your stomach and adds a bypass around a segment of your stomach and small intestine.
The surgeon staples your stomach across the top, sealing it off from the rest of your stomach. The resulting pouch is about the size of a walnut and can hold only about an ounce of food. The pouch is physically separated from the rest of the stomach. Then, the surgeon cuts the small intestine and sews part of it directly onto the pouch.

This connection redirects the food, bypassing most of your stomach and the first section of your small intestine, the duodenum (doo-o-DEE-num). Food enters directly into the second section of your small intestine, the jejunum (jay-JOO-num), limiting your ability to absorb calories. Even though food never enters the lower part of your stomach, the stomach stays healthy and continues to secrete digestive juices to mix with food in your small intestine.

Some surgeons perform this operation by using a laparoscope — a small, tubular instrument with a camera attached — through short incisions in the abdomen (laparoscopic gastric bypass). The tiny camera on the tip of the scope allows the surgeon to see inside your abdomen.

Compared with traditional "open" gastric bypass, the laparoscopic technique usually shortens your hospital stay and leads to a quicker recovery. Fewer wound-related problems also occur.

438

2007-10-22T10:39:00.000-05:00

Four Hundred and Thirty Eight. 438. Quattro Tres Ocho. A number. I guess it would be ok if it were my lifetime batting average or number of home runs I hit. I maybe if it were the number of sit-ups that I did last week. I think my wife has 438 pair of shoes. But it is not one of those numbers. It is how much I weigh. Holy Crap – 438 pounds. 7008 Ounces. 199 Kilos. That doesn’t sound so bad. I don’t even know how I got here.

I don’t feel like a 400 pound man. Sure, my back hurts now and then. My ankles are swollen. I have high blood pressure. But, I don't have high cholesteral and I am not diabetic. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see a 400 pound man. I see Jim. Successful, happy, always smiling, never depressed. But there it is, on the scale. 438. So, what is to be done? Where am I going in life? How do I fix this? I am categorized as super morbidly obese. Super.

I am going to answer your obvious question now. Of course I have dieted. More than you could ever know. There was my 10 years in the Navy. I was always in “The Chub Club”. Had to exercise everyday after my work hours. Running, Sit-ups, always receiving 4.0 on my evaluations except for the Military Bearing part. That was a 3.2 because my neck wasn’t big enough. If only I could have a bigger neck. Then there was weight watchers. Lost 20, woo-hoo. Gained 30 back. How about the no dairy diet. Atkins, lost 80 there. Gained 110 back. Weight watchers again.

Ok – next was the medically monitored weight loss program. I paid $600.00, which was not covered by my insurance. Interesting that Insurance won’t pay for diet programs or smoking cessation, but gladly pay for all the side affects of Obesity and Smoking. They wanted to sell me Optifast, so I could live on liquids. Why is a medical doctor supplementing his Practice selling Optifast. I chose no to by the liquid crap, but followed a strict program with them. Lost 60 – Awesome. Gained 90 back. Bummer.

My daughter married last year and all of a sudden I was thinking about grandbabies. Thinking about the a lot. When I looked down at that scale, saw 438, I quickly realized that I wasn’t going to be around to see those grandbabies if I did not do something drastic. Sure I was relatively healthy now, but what would I be like in 10 years. Would I even be able to walk? Is that the way I want my grandkids to remember me? I think not, so I have decided to do something drastic. A major life-changing event.

I am going to have Gastric Bypass Surgery, and on top of that I am going to write about it. I am going to be open and honest, you will experience my ups and downs and hopefully I will find some comfort in these words and you can be following along in this journey. I covet your thoughts and prayers and comments as I go through this journey. I am blessed to have a great employer, with fantastic insurance. I have found a great Hot-Shot Doctor with an awesome team and I have a date. November 19, 2007 at 10:30 AM. That is the day and time. The day and time when my new life starts.

My Friend - Jenn

2007-04-13T13:19:00.000-05:00

The Woman in the Ivory Gown

2006-11-11T01:46:00.000-06:00

A funny thing happened on the way to church today, my little baby girl became all grown up. I mean it, it seems as if I left my home this morning, I arrived at the church, and there was this beautiful young woman dressed in an incredible Ivory Gown, and they kept telling me she was my daughter. How could this happen? I still thought of her as my little girl. Scraping her knee and coming to me crying. Bringing me her report card with the one B- and a sincere tear in her eye. There I was at the church, and they keep telling me how beautiful my daughter is, and all I want to do is go over to her and hug her, tell her I love her, fix her boo-boos. Wow, what just happened here?

I was able to control the shaking in my knees long enough to walk this picture of radiance down this plastic white runner and stumble through some words that sounded like "Her mother and I do". Oh my Gosh, I think I forgot to kiss her. Then some guy in a really nice suit said some more words about this nice young man and that beautiful woman on the stage. All I kept hearing was my baby girls little voice calling to me and her mom from her bed at night.

Why does everyone keep congratulating me?

Those two people on the stage kissed, It was a nice quick kiss. I think I was glad about that. That nice guy in the suit said something about being pleased to announce "Mr. and Mrs. Jonathan Ayoub" and everybody was clapping and yelling and screaming. Who are these people and where is my baby girl?

Dinner came, it tasted good, but was kinda cold. What a surprise. They told me I had to dance with this beautiful young lady, I hope my wife doesn't get jealous, me dancing with this incredibly beautiful young woman in the Ivory Gown. So many people were crying, why is that, I was lucky to dance with her. Why does my wife have that smile on her face?

We got to have some cake. Cake always reminds me of my Grandmother. I am not sure why, I wish she and papa were here today to see the beautiful young woman in the Ivory Gown. I think that would of made them very happy. Now someone is pulling on my coat, telling me I have to give a speech. I would like to tell you what I said.

"A funny thing happened on the way to church today, my little baby grew up. I think about blessings, real blessings that affect our lives forever. In this world, I know we should expect very few real blessings. Blessings that we and our friends remember for a lifetime. I think about the day that I was married. I had family members taking wagers if my wedding would last a year, and now 28 years and 2 weeks later I can still glance across the table and see my beautiful wife.

That day was a real blessing.

The days that my children were born - Psalm 127 reads "Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of ones youth."

Those days were a real blessing.

Our kids then grow up and all of a sudden the kids are out of the house and then a father waits, and if the planets align, and the stars are in phase, God performs a real blessing and our children find a Godly mate. A mate that a father can have confidence in, knowing he will do the right thing in taking care of a fathers child. I believe that my daughter today, has found that man, and I can release her to him with peace and joy.

That is a real blessing.

Jonathan, you now have my daughter as your wife. Love her as you have loved nothing else before. Praise her for her strengths, teach her when she needs knowledge, learn from her when you are weak and take joy daily in her presence.

Brooke, follow his Godly lead, pray for him when he looses focus, and pray for him when he is focused. You both have my blessings and love and I pray that your life together is as much of a blessing as my life has been with your mother. I love you both.

Now lets lift our glasses, To Jonathan and Brooke - May your days together be long and joyful, May your love be visible to all and may my grandchildren be plentiful and beautiful. Cheers."

Well that is over. Why do I cry so? It is harder and harder to see that little girl in my mind anymore. That young woman in the Ivory Gown is so beautiful, and I love her so. That woman is my daughter and I now have a new son. That is a real blessing.

I Know She is Hot .... But Can She Cook? Chapter 1

2006-10-24T14:28:00.000-05:00

A Treatise on Relationships by a Regular Guy.

Chapter 1 - "I mean Really, Can She Cook?"

The ability of your mate at mealtime is at least 10.638 times more important than their abilities in bed. Let me repeat, the ability of your mate at meal time is at least 10.638 times more important than their abilities in bed. I am sure Freud and Dr. Ruth will disagree with this. After all, everything they speak and write about seems to refer to sex. Don't get me wrong, sex is great. Sex is really, really great. I love sex. Did I mention that sex was great? But, I do not believe it is the most important part of a real relationship.

Pertaining to the frequency of sex, it has been said that "You will have sex more in your first year of marriage than you will for the rest of your years of marriage combined." I do not know who officially said that - but I heard that quote from my Pastor's wife. It must be true. I am not sure I believe it, but it has been quoted often. I do know that 317,000 people worldwide participated the the 2005 Durex Sex Survey. Durex manufactures condoms, for those of you who did not know who the were. The survey published the following about the frequency of sex.

Globally, people are having sex an average of 103 times a year, with men (104) having sex more often than women (101)

35-44 year olds are having the most sex - 112 times compared to just 90 times for 16-20 year olds and 108 times for 25-34 year olds

One in five adults have sex 3-4 times a week and 5% have sex once a day

The Greeks top the league at 138 times a year, closely followed by the Croatians (134), Serbian Montenegrins (128) and the Bulgarians (127)

Lovers in Japan are the least amorous, having sex just 45 times a year. Nations among the least sexually active include Singapore (73), India (75) and Indonesia (77)

I am glad I do not live in Japan.

I write about sexual frequency, not for you to compare yourselves to the scientific norm. That is not what this book is about. I am sure each of you is exceeding 103 times per year. (Yeah right!). A family member recently said something to this effect about that statistic "Two times per week? I can't remember three times per month and I get tired just thinking about it." But, I am writing about sexual frequency to make a mathematical comparison. Lets look at the math.

On average, the healthy human worldwide has 103 sexual events per year. 103 sexual events per year times 7 days per week divided by 365.25 days per year (leap year included) equals 1.974 sexual event per week.

Therefore, we, on average, as a human race are having sex 1.974 times per week.

The number in Japan is not quite as high. Again, I am glad I don't live in Japan.

Why is 1.974 times per week important? Not because you or I have sex more or less that the average. I think it is important in the overall influence on the relationship because of how small that number is when compared to other things that we do more often in our day to day management of our relationship. Let's look at meals.

WebMD, in writing about "the Benefits of Nutrition in Weight Loss" states:

"Never go more than 4-5 hours without food. Skipping meals encourages binging and crushes your willpower. By making sure your eat 3 meals per day you can control your hunger and manage your appetite."

We all know we should eat three meals per day. Even people in jail get "Three Hots and a Cot." So lets do some more math. This one is real easy

There are seven days in a week. Seven days times three meals equals 21 meals per week.

They even eat 21 meals per week in Japan. I like Sushi.

I like to eat. I like to eat many different items with many different tastes. I especially like to eat food that has been expertly prepared. Food that tastes great. Food that tantalizes my taste buds. Food that makes me want to makes purring noises when I eat. Food that looks as good as it tastes. Food, that when you bite into it, seems to make all of the issues of the day disappear. I also like to eat 21 times per week. I like to eat so much that my favorite channel is Food Network. If my son doesn't marry Briana (They are not even dating, but I think she would be a great daughter-in-law and wife for my son) I hope my son marries Racheal Ray. That way I could go to Christmas at their house and she could cook us a 30-Minute Meal for $40.00.

Let's get back to the subject. I am pretty sure about the following math.

21 Meals per week divided by 1.974 sexual events per week equals 10.638 meals per sexual event.

In Japan it would equal 21.362 meals per sexual event. That would be OK as long as you really like alot of Sushi.

In our culture, we seem to place so much emphasis on Sex. Sex is all over our airwaves. All over our billboards. There is so much emphasis on it in every aspect of our lives. Don't misread me, sex is important to a good healthy relationship. But not as important as our society seems to imply. I believe it is not as important as many other things in our lives are. In particular, cooking. As I have mathematically proven in this chapter, a mates skills in the kitchen are at least 10.638 times more important to a relationship as the mates abilities in bed. Give me a great sexual experience and we have the makings of a great night. Give me a great meal, and we have the makings of a great life.

I Know She is Hot, But Can She Cook?

2006-10-24T13:41:00.000-05:00

A Treatise on Relationships by a Regular Guy.

Introduction

This is not a sexist book. I repeat, I am not a sexist and this is not a sexist book. There, I got that out of the way.

I am a regular guy. I do normal things. I am not pretty and I have never written a book. Therefore, if you do not want to read about relationships from a regular, normal guy, who is not pretty and has never written a book, this is where you should stop.

I was married to my wife on October 28, 1978. In todays marriage metrics, I have been married a long time. Married once and only once. I married my wife when I was the ripe old age of eighteen, plus seven days. At my wedding, I had immediate family members taking wagers against the blessed union lasting until October 28, 1979. My best man was recommending a quick trip to Tijuana, rather that the trip upstairs to the altar. I had two children by the time I was twenty, I had family members die within a couple of years of my wedding. I and my wife had to sometimes live with our parents and that lack of privacy. I had no money, and no education to make money. I experienced all the challanges that could tear a marriage apart. Yet, on October 28, 2006, I and my wife will celebrate 28 years of marriage. I have been married a long time.

I know how I made my relationship last, and I believe it will last forever.

There will be no real science in this treatise. Just science according to me. Hopefully, you will find pieces and parts that touch your heart. Some you may find humourous, some you may not. Some you may agree with and much you may not. All I know, is it has worked for this regular guy. I know I do not have a blueprint to that perfect relationship. I like to think of it as more a stack of post-its, or hand written notes on napkins that just seem to make sense. I hope and pray, that you may pick up one those napkins or post-it notes or even two and that it has the same positive effect on your relationship as it has had on mine.

I will be writing this book over several months, posting it online as it develops in my mind. I would appreciate your comments and constructive critiques. As you see the flavor of my stories and thoughts, you may decide that you would like to collaborate with your own stories and findings on relationships. If they work and make sense, I will include them and give writing credit where it is due. Thank you for taking your precious time to read and comment.

Best Regards
Jim

A Father's Son

2006-10-05T22:43:00.000-05:00

The following is from Wikipedia - The Free Encyclopedia.

Jason (Greek: Ιάσων, Etruscan: Easun) is a hero of Greek mythology who led the Argonauts in the search of the Golden Fleece. His father was Aeson, the rightful king of Iolcus. Jason is a common given name for a male. It comes from Greek origin, meaning "healer". There is a female alternative, Jacin, derived from the spanish name Jacinta, or the americanized version Jacinda- meaning Hyacinth.

Readers of this blog have read that I have a daughter who will soon be married. What you may not know is that I also have an incredible son who lives in New York. I seems that it was just yesterday that he was a bright eyed six year old running around in blue shorts on the Idaho Soccer fields. He has grown to be a kind and caring young man, who understands the value of a hard days work and takes joy in the tug of a fish at the end of a wetted line. He is passionate about life, and especially passionate about "Our San Diego Chargers".

I enjoy speaking with my son often. Lately, our discussions have revolved around fishing. Fishing on Long Lake, fishing in the Adirondaks. It pleases me that he takes joy in this pastime. I think about the many hours that I have fished and was very happy to find the Babylonian Proverb which reads:

"The gods do not deduct from man's allotted span the hours spent in fishing."

We have found this common passion, our common commune with nature. Where we tie a man made object at the end of a line. That line is thrown to a point in the water and then hope arises. John Buchan has written that

"The charm of fishing is that it is the pursuit of what is elusive but attainable, a perpetual series of occasions for hope."

I gladly repeat, it pleases me that my son takes joy in fishing. I take joy in my son.

As my Son grew, I cannot say I was always there for him. I did the best that I could. But, I was always amazed by him. He is so smart, so brilliant, but at the same time seems to take satisfaction is the little things. He seems to have grown not to be a "Player". He takes the idea of a relationship very serious. Would rather not have lots of girlfriends, so he can spend time finding the right "One". He said to me last year " Dad, I have to go back to church, so I can find a wife that will really love me and be loyal to me". I believe loyalty is very important to him. Even to this day - he routinely amazes me.

When one looks at the meaning of his name, we find it means "Healer". I like the definition provided by www.healthy.net:

That which authentically heals, whether it is an idea, a personal action, a medicine or a health practitioner who assists in activating the natural healing capacity of the body, mind, spirit.

As a young father, I saw this healing power in action through Jason. The way that he healed me from bein an immature young adult male to being a father. The incredible passion that eminated from my bride as she held him and nurtured him. My wife definately found her niche, being a mother, through our children. After my grandmother died, Jason and I made a trip to see my grandfather. The joy in my Papa's face just to see him and spend time with him. My Papa has gone to be with Grandma now, yet that visit still provides healing for me at the loss of my Grandfather.

God has great plans for Jason, this I know deep in my soul. God will provide him an amazing woman. Give them beautiful children and Jason will continue to provide healing. I love my son, as a father, as a friend and as a mentor. I look forward to see him grow as a man.

Advertising Space for Sale

2006-10-03T01:16:00.000-05:00

Woo hoo - A Wedding

A wedding is being planned and I am so happy for my daughter and Jonathon. She has found her Godly man and she is so happy. I really like this young man. He follows God and seems to have a solid grip on life. As a father, it is all I could want.

Now, I must become Daddy Wedding Bucks. I don't mind, and my baby is being so careful with the budget. I like that. I went to a wedding recently and they had "Padrinos". I had never heard of that before, but they got their name in the bulletin, special flowers to wear and front row seats. Cool. So how do I find "Padrinos" for my little girls day?

I have decided to sell advertising spots strategically placed on the wedding party and in the building. Maybe Nike would like their logo on the back of my tux? Maybe Nascar style? Every inch of space on the wedding dress could be made available. Would the Photographer like their banner and logo up on the wall. I am positive my daughter would not mind. Strategic spots in the bulletin are still available.

So, that is my idea. Let me know if you are interested. Call 1-866-Dumb-Dad

The Pain of Separation

2006-09-30T10:10:00.000-05:00

This week I read a touching blog of a young very talented friend. It brought me to tears.

Yes Big Old gruff Jim has tears right at this moments. It happens to me often, when I watch Field of Dreams or movies where there is a strong father/son reunion. I know that reunion will never occur for me until I see Jesus, and then hopefully I will see my Dad.

I miss him so!

I was adopted when I was 12 by Donald Cleveland Ranes. He married my mom and took on her two children. He fathered me, taught me to be a man, gave me the evidence of what a real father should be like. How a real father should act. A real man and father. There at all my games, trying to coach, taking me camping, fishing. Providing evidence of how a man was to act and take care of his family.

At 18, we found out he had cancer. He lived for about 2 years - long enough to see his first Grandchild born, My incredible son Jason. My daughter never met her grandfather and in two months she is marrying a fine young man. Oh how I wish he were here to see this day. I have to pause right now as the tears flow.....

Many mistakes have punctuated my life - I was not always there for my incredible Wife and Kids - yet they still love me. Even with all my character flaws they still love me.

The day my Dad died, I did not go to the hospital. I made a conscious decision not to. I justified it by saying that I wanted remember him well, and not dying. What a huge mistake. To this day, I regret not being there when he went to be with Jesus. Not there to hold his hand. Not there to tell him that I love him. Without a doubt, my greatest life regret to this point in time and today, it really hit me how much I miss him.

I implore all who read this, take the time to love on your family. Give them hugs and kisses every night. Take joy in the minutes that you have. For they may truly only be minutes. I miss my Dad, and it hurts right now. I know Christ has filled that void, and I take solice in that, but right now I choose to live in this sadness and pain